Cold, Sad, Sleepy.
That is today's verdict-- with a large side of confusion.
Didn't smoke yesterday, which is super,
And Im doing good with the food.
Im just feeling isolated which blows.

And somehow being at Anderson last night made me remember that night a few summers ago that I got shot at by those guys with the BBGun, and the police drove me and jacob homr and we made pact not to tell mom and dad so they wouldn't ban s from going on walks together... I had forgotten about that, so I've been in limbo today.


Dear Sarah,

My social anxiety tells me Arash didn't show because he doesn't like me,
but oh well.
I had a really lovely evening-- I've really missed Brent, and Sam.
Oh Sam, shes so fun to be around-- she really has such a calm and inviting auora. And Brent, I have really really missed hanging out with you-- I really feel like myself ya know? Eating has always been so anxiety provoking for me. I don't think I've ever been able to eat a meal in public that wasn't Subway-- goes to show my eating issues are pree much solved. PHO IS SOOOO YUMMMY!!!! And than we just spent the time talking, about everything. I'm in the best mood right now. Hooray for Euphroria!!!

Flashbacks last night, not so fun.
I hadn't had them for a good few months though, so I guess thats good.

EDIT: Remembered why I've been having flashbacks-- I was being abused this time last year real bad and than.. shit today has been a very bad day for nostalgia. I think it was around this time last year that I ended up homeless for a few nights sleeping under stairwells HAHA it was pathetic-- I was thinking about that tonight, and started weirding out. I need to focus on staying in the moment. I am Sarah Sussman, it is December 2K9, not 2K8... I'm making progress, and I'm safe. I'm living such a different life now and I need to focus on just that (the NOW)! I smoked today to curb my anxiety (FAIL!) Quitting smoking starts again tomorrow! On a more positive note, I'm doing really really good with the food-- I've been drinking cream soda, and I had pasta for dinner tonight, and PB+Nutella for lunch!!! Yeah! Score! I rock! I know! :)

Brent- Let's do something on Saturday!!! =]
Today I am doing better-- I have quit smoking again, and have not purged since Friday! So I've gotta be doing something right!! Sydney called me on Sunday and we've been talking a lot-- I'm going to collage tonight, I've been putting it off. Aside from that, I have to go see grace today-- she is my dietician that tried to make me eat chocolate cake the day I found out i had an STI-- much disliking towards her!!!! Anyways, wish me luck with NO-grace!!!!

I am really depressed right now.
I smoked last night, and I smoked this morning.
I have sat around my moms house moping and crying all today and yesterday.
I am lonely, I have no friends-- I feel really alone.
And like a failure-- Not only did I puke this weekend, but I smoked (when I hadn't done so in a week). I really need to get my shit together. I'm probably going to go to a meeting tonight, Im having bad alcohol cravings. And here I go again, playing the victim who needs to be saved-- Like I said, gonna get my shit together.
As of tomorrow, quitting smoking (again). And sticking to my meal plan. And I will get friends, eventually??