December 29th, 2008

9:53 am
    Good Morning, Loves! I just woke  up and after a long conversation with the ex last night I am in a very pleasant mood. I stepped on the scale this morning though and I have gained a pound. Ive been working out so I think that it is muscle that I have gained. But still...Anyways, today we are going to the mall, im thinking lots of walking is good exercise, plus we are going to pick up a new treadmill. I cant wait to go running! I think that overall today will be a good day.

1 serving Cream of Wheat: 100 cals; 0 cals from fat; 0g of fat
2 cups of black coffee: 4 cals; 0 cals from fat; 0g of fat

Total: 104 cals; 0 cals from fat; 0g of fat

Ab Work-out

Bowl of Select Harvest Light Soup: 100 cals; 0 cals from fat; 0g of fat.
2 bottles of water with Crystal Light pack: 10 cals; 0 cals from fat; 0g of fat

5:26 pm
    We just got back from out mini trip to the mall. We got our treadmill! I am ready to go burn some cals but here it sits in its tidy little box waiting for my mom to come and set it up..

Boca Burger: 70 cals; cals from fat 40; 4.5g of fat ( I shouldve checked the box before I ate that!!)
 
Total: 284 cals; 40 cals from fat; 4.5g of fat

December 28th, 2008

11:57pm
    I havent been able to blog all day because out cable has been out from a wind storm that we got last night, so I will try to sum up my day. I woke up the morning in a sour mood due to bingeing and purging twice last night. i was so angry at myself because I was doing so well, as far as not having too many calories. I just cant seem to break the addiction, if anything its getting worse. I did have it reduced to once a day but it is slowly getting back up to 2-3 sometimes even 4 times a day. Since I was in such a bad mood this morning I started an argument with my mom which sent me into another binge/purge cylce only this time when I went to throw up, no matter how hard I tried barely anything came up. My body shook, I coughed and hacked, but still nothing. That didnt put me in a better mood. I went back to bed feeling like an absolute failure. When I woke up,  I didnt eat anything the rest of the day, un just a couple of hours ago. Another binge/purge cycle. 
   My new years resolution is to break the cycle, lower my cals, and just feel better about myself. Tomorrow we are going to get a new treadmmill, I am very excited. Before all of this that is how I would release my stress and anxiety (I think I need to go back on my anxiety pill, I tihnk that would help me stop bingeing. Anxiety definitely is a trigger.), I would run. Plus its a great calorie burner. And on New Years, I might be going to my ex boyfriends house. i am super stoked about it, I just cant wipe this silly grin off my face, although I know that his mom knows about my ED and she will try to feed me and she is too sweet of a lady to lie to. Any advice?

December 27th, 2008

9:22 am
    I woke up this morning at about 8:00 feeling happy and well rested. Which is good because when I am in a good mood it helps me to not eat. My mom and I are making a trip into town around noon to mail some stuff out and get some groceries. It will keep me busy. I just dont know what I am going to do after that. Maybe bake some dog cookies? (Less tempting to eat the dough).

CW: 107
GW: 103

1 serving Quaker Low-Sugar, Apples & Cinnamon Oatmeal: 110 cals; 15 cals from fat; 1.5 g of fat
Cup of coffee: 2 cals x 2 = 4 cals; 0 cals from fat; 0 g of fat
Bottle of water with Crystal Light pack: 5 cals; 0 cals from fat; 0 g of fat

Total: 119 cals; 15 cals from fat; 1.5 g of fat

2:34 pm
    I just got done making some Chex Mix. Grocery shopping was successful and I got my picture mailed out to my aunt. Sounds like my mom might be leaving tonight to go watch some football which would be cool because then she wouldnt be here trying to get me to eat. But if she does I have a Boca Burger in the freezer (70 cals) and salads are always good too. :)

Bottle of water with Crystal Light pack: 5 cals; 0 cals from fat; 0 g of fat
Diet Root Beer: 0 cals; 0 cals from fat; 0 g of fat
Diet Coke: 0 cals; 0 cals from fat; 0 g of fat
1 serving Select Harvest Light Veggie Soup: 100 cals; 0 cals from fat; 0 g of fat

Total: 224 cals; 15 cals from fat; 1.5 g of fat

December 26th, 2008

8:16 am
     Today is going to be a long day. I need to make up for everything I ate yesterday and I plan on fasting for the next couple of days. This is going to be really hard for me because I binge/purge at least once a day. I am addicted, but I really need to get rid of this weight.

     I am starting my morning off with some coffee, then I am going to go clean the kitchen and then my room to keep my mind off my hunger. Wish me luck!

9:43 am
    I am going on my third cup of coffee and had some laxatives for breakfast. My stomach is getting harder to ignore. Its rumbles are getting louder, but I know that if I give into the temptation now, I know it will trigger a binge. I dont want to have to throw up again. My mouth hurts. My jaw hurts. Emotionally, my heart hurts.
   
(How many Calories are in a cup of coffee?)
Coffee: Approx 2 cals x 3 = 6 cals; 0 fat
Bottle of Propel: 25 cals; 0 fat

Total: 31 cals; 0 fat

11:56 am
    I just woke up from a mid morning nap.

Cream of Wheat, 1 serving: 100 cals; 0 fat

Total; 131 cals;  0 fat

2:23 pm
    All afternoon I have been cleaning up the kitchen. Its helped me take my mind off my hunger. In fact, I dont even really feel it right now. I am so bloated and cramped though. My brothers want me to make them dinner tonight because my mom will be gone, so I plan on making them Chili. I hate chili, therefore I will not be tempted too eat it. When my mom leaves the house though, I usually go on a binge, so please help me fight the urge to do so, Ive had such a good afternoon. I am hoping to keep it under 300 calories today.

2 Bottles of water with Crystal Light package: 5 cals x 2 = 10 cals; 0 fat.

Total; 141 cals; 0 fat.

4:08 pm
    I am getting bored and all that I can think about is that stupid fucking cake thats in the fridge. I think that I am going to go try and read.

5 saltine crackers: 60 cals; 1.5 fat

Total: 201 cals: 1.5 fat

7:10 pm
    Binge and purge. I am a failure. A fat, disgusting failure. I need to smoke and cig and go to bed. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully a better day.